Rose-colored Glasses

It's funny how life turns out.

I could succumb to my heartbreak over the loss of a relationship, or I could remember that nothing can ever be regretted completely. I've learned wonderful lessons about myself.

I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought. Just because I think someone is the man of my dreams, doesn't mean I'm willing to settle for letting him treat me less than how I deserve to be treated. There are plenty of great men out there who would be happy to give me what I need, who may even be better suited for me.

I've learned that everyone is flawed and even I have my limits in what I will accept within a relationship, no matter how much I want to be with a person.

I've learned my friend has yet to face the reality that he is no longer in a relationship with his ex. Until he faces that, and allows himself to feel the hurt, the pain, he will never be able to move on. He's in a rut, and until he takes the steps to get out of it, I just can't be there for him. I have to take care of myself right now.

I could freak out over the loss of a job. But I won't. I finally have time to figure out what I really want out of life. I still don't know what that is. I have a lot of dreams. I just have to figure out how to manifest them.

I have time to paint.

I have time to write.

I have something to write about now.

Airplanes and Oklahoma

I leave for OKC in less than two weeks. Needless to say I'm getting super excited.

I still have no idea where this thing with J is going, but so far so good. I'm trying to enjoy the present moment for what it is instead of getting pre-occupied with the future and what may or may not happen. When I'm not busy letting my fears and insecurities from past relationships (thank you, Patrick, you were a peach) rule my emotions, I'm reminded that God works in our lives for our good and his glory. That said, regardless of where this thing goes, God will use it to do amazing things in my life and I will learn great, invaluable lessons.

J says he's excited to see me too and I think this trip will be really good for us. Having a little face time is exactly what we need to evaluate our feelings and get a better sense of where this is going. I've missed him so much. He has become one of my best friends. Wow. That's scary to say out loud. I'm almost afraid if I do, I might lose it by declaring it too soon. It will be so good to be in the same room with him.

I need a new job.

When I get back from my trip, I've been toying with the idea of getting a job with an airline. It would be perfect. Killer pay (compared to what I make now, at least), great benefits, 401 K, and of course....I could fly for FREE. That right there my friends is what motivates me most. I would love to travel and see the world. Working for an airline would be the easiest, affordable way to do so.

And if things ever become official with J, well, let's just say I'd be making much more frequent trips to OKC.

I really want a place of my own. I'm tired of living with the parents. While the rent is cheap (free), I'm really starting to feel the need for my own space. Aloneness. Yeah, I really want my own place. Is it so wrong to want to be able to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom naked? Can't do that with Dad around.

Also, I need to start exercising more. You would think I'd be strict about it with the upcoming trip and all. Nope.

That's it for now.

Nighty night.

Oh and Patrick? I forgive you. You know not what you did.

Where do I go from here?

There are so many opportunities that spread out before me. There are so many roads to go down. How can I possibly choose?

I find myself standing at a crossroads. Several in fact:

-Do I continue with the job I have, one that makes me unhappy, or do I find something temporary and go back to school?

-Do I stay here in Georgia or do I move in with friends in Florida?

-Should I hope for a potential relationship with a friend or walk away for good?

-Should I pursue a career or a personal life? A passion? A love?

The choices seem endless. I don't know where God will lead me or what I will be doing a year from now, but I do know I don't want to spend another moment feeling like I'm not living life to the fullest.

So I'm letting go.

I'm choosing to trust God to take me down the paths he has for me and believe that I'll get to where I'm going when the time is right. In the meantime, I'm not going to worry myself into being miserable.

Instead, I'm going to focus on finding happiness in my present circumstances.

Let me be clear: letting go does not mean walking away. Letting go means continuing to hope and dream, but surrendering what you want the outcome to be and trusting that it will be what you need.

I'm saying no to the the negative and I'm opening myself up to Love. Love of life, love of beauty, love of now. What will be, will be. In the mean time, I'm focusing on me.

Unconditional Can Only Go So Far

There's a difference between waiting on someone and being a doormat.

As much as I want to wait for this particular guy and believe that he's going to wake up one day and realize I'm the girl he's been looking for, I'm not willing to compromise myself to do it.

I will not waste my life sitting around being at this guy's beck and call. He's confused and doesn't know what he wants. That behavior in and of itself has made it perfectly clear to me that I am not one of the things he wants at the moment. If I were, he wouldn't be confused.

That said, I will not put my life on hold for something that may never happen.

I want to see the world, I want to find new and exciting ways to express myself, I want to rediscover my creativity, I want to do everything I can to pursue a fulfilling life where I am perfectly content to be myself by myself.

I'm not going to be here for you when you only reach out to me when you're bored or lonely. I'm worth more than that. I deserve a man who is going to see me for the wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman I am and who's going to give me everything I need.

I want it all or nothing at all. I will not settle for anything in between.

At Last

"He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him.......then the Lord God made a woman from Adam's rib and brought her to him. And the man exclaimed, "At last!" Genesis 2:20-23

At last!

One day, when the timing is right, a man will look at me and his heart will exclaim, "At last!" I will be the one he has been waiting for. I will be "just right."

Until then, I wait patiently, because I know that God is working in me so that on that day, my heart will be able to return that claim.

Waiting is hard, but it makes Happily Ever After so much sweeter.

Above all else, I must believe that God responds to those who have faith.

Where are the Jacob Jankowski's?

Tonight I saw Water For Elephants and do you know what struck me most?

Jacob's love for Marlena was so strong that he kept coming back again and again.

When it was easy to walk away, give up the fight and just forget about her he chose instead to come back. He pursued her, he was gentle with her and yet he had an iron will. His love for her out-shined any obstacle standing in their way.

He didn't desert her or walk away when things got tough and do you know what that makes him?

A real man.

The only thing I kept thinking was that I deserve someone who will love me like that. Because that's real love. I will not have to chase after it and watch as it slips from my fingers and pulls a disappearing act. I will not have to wait by the phone--that's not my job. My job is to be pursued, wooed and cherished. I should not have to look longingly after a guy as he's walking away. A man should look at me and see an angel, a star, his very own Marlena.

I deserve a Jacob. I won't settle for anything less.

Timing is Everything

It is so hard sometimes to wait for God's timing. All I want to do is look at my phone and see a text from you. I want your heart to be ready and I want you to desire me the way I desire you. I want you to pursue me, woo me and treat me like a princess. I want to make plans with you, when we'll see each other again, when we'll move to the same city, when we'll walk down the aisle. I want white picket fences with you.

And I don't even know if this is God's plan for us. Am I wasting my time, holding out for a dream that may never come true?

I was listening to a sermon today about wishes. Everyone has them and they are created by one of two things:

1. Frustrations

2. Opportunities

My wish to be with you falls into both categories. I'm frustrated that we can't be together and I see the amazing opportunity we would have if we were. I get so frustrated. Sometimes even angry that you aren't here the way I need you to be.

But Paul said in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves."

You need this time alone. Being single is what's best for you right now and even if it is God's plan for us to be together, you aren't ready and it can't be now. You are not in a place to love me back. So while you are soul-searching, seeking Christ and allowing him to heal you, I'll be pursuing God with all my heart. I'll be letting him romance me. I will let him fill all my empty places with his enduring love.

And if he does have plans for us to be together, praise Him for that glorious day, for we will both be better suited for each other and ready to begin a life together full of God's joys, blessings and comforts.

And praise Him if we aren't meant for each other, for that means God has better plans for us apart than with us together.

I can already feel his love carrying me through this waiting game. And I know I'll be a better person for it.

Dear Friend,

I called things off for a reason. I had us take a step back and return to the friendship we had before. It's because I love you that I did this.

You are not over your ex and the ghost of a past relationship is something I will never be able to compete with, nor should I have to. This is a time for you to evaluate your life, to heal, to seek closure and move on. I don't want to distract you from that process or prolong it in anyway. This is a time for you. To cry, to ask why, to be selfish and ultimately, to find the strength and courage to move on. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

And when it does, I'll be here should you want me. But if you don't that's okay too, because God has great plans for us both.

I also had us take a step back for myself. I need to protect my heart. I told you that if we didn't I was in danger of getting in too deep too fast. What you don't know is that I'm already in too deep. I need to take a step back and allow you to find yourself. I also need to respect myself. I deserve someone that will give me everything of themselves, like I'm willing to give to you. I hope one day that someone will be you, but for now, it's not. The timing was ours, not God's.

I still don't believe this is over, but if we ever want a real chance down the road, it has to be for now.

In the mean time, I will be here for you if you need me.

I love you and I'm praying for you.

This is it

One thing I've learned about myself this past year: I am FEARLESS. That doesn't mean I don't get scared. Quite the opposite. Instead I choose to look fear in the face and go after what I want.

I risk. I get hurt. But I know that in the end when I look back on my life I will never regret.

I finally got the courage to tell him how I feel, to ask if we have a chance. As I write this, he's still sleeping and all I want to do is be there for him to kiss him on the cheek and pull the covers up over him. To be exactly what he needs me to be.

But I can't do that at the expense of my own heart. I want him to be happy. I want to spend the rest of my life listening to him laugh. But if that's something he's not willing to give me I need to bow out now.

So at the risk of losing the only boy I've ever loved I told him what I want. I asked him what we were. And I'm terrified. I know I'm facing my first broken heart and I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else.

I know we fall in and out of love everyday, but for me, when I look at him, I can't help but think he's the one for me. But that doesn't mean he'll ever feel the same.

I guess I'll find out when and if he chooses to respond to my question. I'm barely holding it together, I'm so scared. But if he can't give me what I deserve then I need to move on, pick up the pieces of my heart, and find someone who will.

And no matter what happens, God will carry me through it.

Make You Feel My Love

Dear Friend,

I'm in love with you. I have been for some time now. Since the moment I met you to be honest. I saw you and I knew you were it for me, but I also knew you belonged to another so I buried my feelings and did my best to let you go.

Then two years later something beautiful happened. I got to experience an amazing week with you. I was able, no matter how brief, to pretend that you were mine. And in that moment I knew I could spend the rest of my life with you.

I know your heart still belongs to the girl who broke it and that's okay. I understand. I also know that this may be the end of our story and that's okay too.

But I want you to know that you make me smile just by walking into the room. You make me feel beautiful with a single glance. You say things to me that make me feel cherished. You make my body come alive with a single touch. And when I look at your face the only word that comes into my mind is "Beloved".

I want to honor you. If that means letting you go, so be it. Just know that I will always be here for you, loving you, waiting. Hoping.

I love you.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

-Bob Dylan