Timing is Everything

It is so hard sometimes to wait for God's timing. All I want to do is look at my phone and see a text from you. I want your heart to be ready and I want you to desire me the way I desire you. I want you to pursue me, woo me and treat me like a princess. I want to make plans with you, when we'll see each other again, when we'll move to the same city, when we'll walk down the aisle. I want white picket fences with you.

And I don't even know if this is God's plan for us. Am I wasting my time, holding out for a dream that may never come true?

I was listening to a sermon today about wishes. Everyone has them and they are created by one of two things:

1. Frustrations

2. Opportunities

My wish to be with you falls into both categories. I'm frustrated that we can't be together and I see the amazing opportunity we would have if we were. I get so frustrated. Sometimes even angry that you aren't here the way I need you to be.

But Paul said in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves."

You need this time alone. Being single is what's best for you right now and even if it is God's plan for us to be together, you aren't ready and it can't be now. You are not in a place to love me back. So while you are soul-searching, seeking Christ and allowing him to heal you, I'll be pursuing God with all my heart. I'll be letting him romance me. I will let him fill all my empty places with his enduring love.

And if he does have plans for us to be together, praise Him for that glorious day, for we will both be better suited for each other and ready to begin a life together full of God's joys, blessings and comforts.

And praise Him if we aren't meant for each other, for that means God has better plans for us apart than with us together.

I can already feel his love carrying me through this waiting game. And I know I'll be a better person for it.

Dear Friend,

I called things off for a reason. I had us take a step back and return to the friendship we had before. It's because I love you that I did this.

You are not over your ex and the ghost of a past relationship is something I will never be able to compete with, nor should I have to. This is a time for you to evaluate your life, to heal, to seek closure and move on. I don't want to distract you from that process or prolong it in anyway. This is a time for you. To cry, to ask why, to be selfish and ultimately, to find the strength and courage to move on. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

And when it does, I'll be here should you want me. But if you don't that's okay too, because God has great plans for us both.

I also had us take a step back for myself. I need to protect my heart. I told you that if we didn't I was in danger of getting in too deep too fast. What you don't know is that I'm already in too deep. I need to take a step back and allow you to find yourself. I also need to respect myself. I deserve someone that will give me everything of themselves, like I'm willing to give to you. I hope one day that someone will be you, but for now, it's not. The timing was ours, not God's.

I still don't believe this is over, but if we ever want a real chance down the road, it has to be for now.

In the mean time, I will be here for you if you need me.

I love you and I'm praying for you.

This is it

One thing I've learned about myself this past year: I am FEARLESS. That doesn't mean I don't get scared. Quite the opposite. Instead I choose to look fear in the face and go after what I want.

I risk. I get hurt. But I know that in the end when I look back on my life I will never regret.

I finally got the courage to tell him how I feel, to ask if we have a chance. As I write this, he's still sleeping and all I want to do is be there for him to kiss him on the cheek and pull the covers up over him. To be exactly what he needs me to be.

But I can't do that at the expense of my own heart. I want him to be happy. I want to spend the rest of my life listening to him laugh. But if that's something he's not willing to give me I need to bow out now.

So at the risk of losing the only boy I've ever loved I told him what I want. I asked him what we were. And I'm terrified. I know I'm facing my first broken heart and I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else.

I know we fall in and out of love everyday, but for me, when I look at him, I can't help but think he's the one for me. But that doesn't mean he'll ever feel the same.

I guess I'll find out when and if he chooses to respond to my question. I'm barely holding it together, I'm so scared. But if he can't give me what I deserve then I need to move on, pick up the pieces of my heart, and find someone who will.

And no matter what happens, God will carry me through it.

Make You Feel My Love

Dear Friend,

I'm in love with you. I have been for some time now. Since the moment I met you to be honest. I saw you and I knew you were it for me, but I also knew you belonged to another so I buried my feelings and did my best to let you go.

Then two years later something beautiful happened. I got to experience an amazing week with you. I was able, no matter how brief, to pretend that you were mine. And in that moment I knew I could spend the rest of my life with you.

I know your heart still belongs to the girl who broke it and that's okay. I understand. I also know that this may be the end of our story and that's okay too.

But I want you to know that you make me smile just by walking into the room. You make me feel beautiful with a single glance. You say things to me that make me feel cherished. You make my body come alive with a single touch. And when I look at your face the only word that comes into my mind is "Beloved".

I want to honor you. If that means letting you go, so be it. Just know that I will always be here for you, loving you, waiting. Hoping.

I love you.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

-Bob Dylan

So Far So Good

Today was my interview. Everything went smoothly and I was able to get a feel for the office, while my potential employer asked me what she needed to know.

She asked me to come in again on Wednesday to learn more about the company and have any questions I may have answered. Being asked to come in for a second interview is a good sign so hopefully everything will go well.

I still don't know if I'm going to take the job if it's offered. It depends on whether or not it's a good fit for me. I guess I'll find out soon enough!

XO

Interview Jitters

So...

Tomorrow I will be interviewing for a job that could launch my career. While it's not exactly writing romance novels and living in a country cottage, or even directing films, it could give me more life experience, help me save money, allow me to explore more opportunities and discover a passion I may or may not have. That said, I'm pretty excited.

At the very least, I'll be able to leave my restaurant job and start making enough to support the passions I do have such as writing, traveling, clothes shopping, &c.

Here's to hoping and praying that I get it. And if I don't...no worries. It just means God has something even better in mind.

Besides, first jobs usually aren't very glamorous.

XO

A Change in Direction

My ambitions, for quite some time now, have been focused towards building a career in the film industry. Studying public relations and telecommunications in college, it was what I had always planned on for a career.

But lately I've been dreaming of something else. Something much deeper. I've been dreaming dreams from the heart.

When I close my eyes and picture the life I would be happiest living, I am not a producer or a director or even a lowly production assistant. I'm a writer.

Not some literary genius or academic, not some journalist or even a screenwriter. No.

I'm a romance writer. A storyteller who weaves together tales of the heart.

I picture myself, sitting in front of the computer screen and bringing to life all the characters running around in my imagination. I am married to the kind of man I write about--kind, strong, honest, loving, and drop-dead gorgeous. I have children running around somewhere in the background of that daydream and there's always something that smells delicious baking in the oven. Did I mention I live in Great Britain? England, Ireland, Scotland or even Wales. It doesn't matter to me. All I know is that I'm surrounded by beauty and romance and magic. And most of all, I'm surrounded by love.

That image is where I go when I need to reach my happy place. That is the dream of my heart.

Hollywood doesn't even have a cameo.

That said, I am attempting to do something until now I've been terrified to do. I'm going to try to write a book. If nothing ever comes of it, fine. But it won't be because I never tried.

In the meantime, I'm going to focus on finding a job in public relations. A day job, if you will.

I had my time in Hollywood. I tried working in the industry. And while I enjoyed it immensely, even in the midst of it all, my heart still dreamed of that quiet cottage on a hill, somewhere in the old country. Surrounded by family and friends and lots of love.

Should a job in the industry come my way, I wouldn't turn it down. But it is no longer my first priority.

Writing and dreaming and following my heart are now at the top of the list.