I can't live in a world where magic doesn't exist.

For those of us living in the modern world, it is so easy to miss. For some, it is obvious. But for others, it is just a story.

I believe that magic lives in the hearts of man. It exists in the forms of Faith, Hope and the greatest of all, Love. Magic is what gives us our sense of wonder. Our kindness and selflessness in a time where greed and hatred reign.

We truly are living in a fairytale. How else do you explain the oddness of a porcupine? Or the enchanting lunar moth?

Or the ability of one man to die on a cross for the sins of many. To rise again and create a Kingdom in which we are all welcome, should we choose to accept his gift.

In a time where our physical senses are overloaded, we have neglected the most important part of ourselves. Our spirits. We no longer see the things that, to our ancestors, were obvious.

Some would say Magic doesn't exist. God doesn't exist. Science is what is real. But don't you see? Science in and of itself, is magic. It shows us the process in which God works.

I want to live in a fairytale. I want to believe that Love will win. That my King will come for me. That one day, ultimately, we will get our happy ending.

Jesus, Aslan, King Arthur. The stories are one and the same.

It's all real. And it's magic.

Rose-colored Glasses

It's funny how life turns out.

I could succumb to my heartbreak over the loss of a relationship, or I could remember that nothing can ever be regretted completely. I've learned wonderful lessons about myself.

I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought. Just because I think someone is the man of my dreams, doesn't mean I'm willing to settle for letting him treat me less than how I deserve to be treated. There are plenty of great men out there who would be happy to give me what I need, who may even be better suited for me.

I've learned that everyone is flawed and even I have my limits in what I will accept within a relationship, no matter how much I want to be with a person.

I've learned my friend has yet to face the reality that he is no longer in a relationship with his ex. Until he faces that, and allows himself to feel the hurt, the pain, he will never be able to move on. He's in a rut, and until he takes the steps to get out of it, I just can't be there for him. I have to take care of myself right now.

I could freak out over the loss of a job. But I won't. I finally have time to figure out what I really want out of life. I still don't know what that is. I have a lot of dreams. I just have to figure out how to manifest them.

I have time to paint.

I have time to write.

I have something to write about now.

Airplanes and Oklahoma

I leave for OKC in less than two weeks. Needless to say I'm getting super excited.

I still have no idea where this thing with J is going, but so far so good. I'm trying to enjoy the present moment for what it is instead of getting pre-occupied with the future and what may or may not happen. When I'm not busy letting my fears and insecurities from past relationships (thank you, Patrick, you were a peach) rule my emotions, I'm reminded that God works in our lives for our good and his glory. That said, regardless of where this thing goes, God will use it to do amazing things in my life and I will learn great, invaluable lessons.

J says he's excited to see me too and I think this trip will be really good for us. Having a little face time is exactly what we need to evaluate our feelings and get a better sense of where this is going. I've missed him so much. He has become one of my best friends. Wow. That's scary to say out loud. I'm almost afraid if I do, I might lose it by declaring it too soon. It will be so good to be in the same room with him.

I need a new job.

When I get back from my trip, I've been toying with the idea of getting a job with an airline. It would be perfect. Killer pay (compared to what I make now, at least), great benefits, 401 K, and of course....I could fly for FREE. That right there my friends is what motivates me most. I would love to travel and see the world. Working for an airline would be the easiest, affordable way to do so.

And if things ever become official with J, well, let's just say I'd be making much more frequent trips to OKC.

I really want a place of my own. I'm tired of living with the parents. While the rent is cheap (free), I'm really starting to feel the need for my own space. Aloneness. Yeah, I really want my own place. Is it so wrong to want to be able to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom naked? Can't do that with Dad around.

Also, I need to start exercising more. You would think I'd be strict about it with the upcoming trip and all. Nope.

That's it for now.

Nighty night.

Oh and Patrick? I forgive you. You know not what you did.

Where do I go from here?

There are so many opportunities that spread out before me. There are so many roads to go down. How can I possibly choose?

I find myself standing at a crossroads. Several in fact:

-Do I continue with the job I have, one that makes me unhappy, or do I find something temporary and go back to school?

-Do I stay here in Georgia or do I move in with friends in Florida?

-Should I hope for a potential relationship with a friend or walk away for good?

-Should I pursue a career or a personal life? A passion? A love?

The choices seem endless. I don't know where God will lead me or what I will be doing a year from now, but I do know I don't want to spend another moment feeling like I'm not living life to the fullest.

So I'm letting go.

I'm choosing to trust God to take me down the paths he has for me and believe that I'll get to where I'm going when the time is right. In the meantime, I'm not going to worry myself into being miserable.

Instead, I'm going to focus on finding happiness in my present circumstances.

Let me be clear: letting go does not mean walking away. Letting go means continuing to hope and dream, but surrendering what you want the outcome to be and trusting that it will be what you need.

I'm saying no to the the negative and I'm opening myself up to Love. Love of life, love of beauty, love of now. What will be, will be. In the mean time, I'm focusing on me.

Unconditional Can Only Go So Far

There's a difference between waiting on someone and being a doormat.

As much as I want to wait for this particular guy and believe that he's going to wake up one day and realize I'm the girl he's been looking for, I'm not willing to compromise myself to do it.

I will not waste my life sitting around being at this guy's beck and call. He's confused and doesn't know what he wants. That behavior in and of itself has made it perfectly clear to me that I am not one of the things he wants at the moment. If I were, he wouldn't be confused.

That said, I will not put my life on hold for something that may never happen.

I want to see the world, I want to find new and exciting ways to express myself, I want to rediscover my creativity, I want to do everything I can to pursue a fulfilling life where I am perfectly content to be myself by myself.

I'm not going to be here for you when you only reach out to me when you're bored or lonely. I'm worth more than that. I deserve a man who is going to see me for the wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman I am and who's going to give me everything I need.

I want it all or nothing at all. I will not settle for anything in between.

At Last

"He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him.......then the Lord God made a woman from Adam's rib and brought her to him. And the man exclaimed, "At last!" Genesis 2:20-23

At last!

One day, when the timing is right, a man will look at me and his heart will exclaim, "At last!" I will be the one he has been waiting for. I will be "just right."

Until then, I wait patiently, because I know that God is working in me so that on that day, my heart will be able to return that claim.

Waiting is hard, but it makes Happily Ever After so much sweeter.

Above all else, I must believe that God responds to those who have faith.

Where are the Jacob Jankowski's?

Tonight I saw Water For Elephants and do you know what struck me most?

Jacob's love for Marlena was so strong that he kept coming back again and again.

When it was easy to walk away, give up the fight and just forget about her he chose instead to come back. He pursued her, he was gentle with her and yet he had an iron will. His love for her out-shined any obstacle standing in their way.

He didn't desert her or walk away when things got tough and do you know what that makes him?

A real man.

The only thing I kept thinking was that I deserve someone who will love me like that. Because that's real love. I will not have to chase after it and watch as it slips from my fingers and pulls a disappearing act. I will not have to wait by the phone--that's not my job. My job is to be pursued, wooed and cherished. I should not have to look longingly after a guy as he's walking away. A man should look at me and see an angel, a star, his very own Marlena.

I deserve a Jacob. I won't settle for anything less.